How to Talk to Little Kaurs

by Lakhpreet Kaur

At gurdwara or a kirtan, I'm often times at a loss as to what to say to the young girls there; the 5 to 7 year old Kaurs. To break the ice, I often remark something like, "I like your suit!" or "You look pretty today!" I have overheard aunties say things like, "You look like a little princess!" to little three year old girls, so I followed suit.

I didn't think anything of my comments until I read Lisa Bloom's Huffington Post article, "How to Talk to Little Girls," and I immediately felt terrible about my go-to ice breaker about the girls' looks. I always thought I was making little girls feel nice and encouraging them to talk to me, but according to Bloom, I might have been doing more harm than good.

With my comment of "You look so pretty today," I was teaching these girls that their appearance is the first thing people notice. I was telling them that their looks are more important than anything else.

Photo by Gurumustuk Singh

Bloom went on to explain how about 50% of 3 to 6 year olds are worried about being fat and 15% of girls under 12 years old wear makeup regularly! Eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down. "As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments," says Bloom.

One parent explained how he feels that focusing on looks has the immediate impact of shutting his daughter down, "People often say, 'OMG, you're so cute!' to my daughter all the time and it bugs the shit out of me. (I mean, I get it, she's cute. But come on.) It also completely shuts her down because she suddenly feels so self-conscious about herself and her appearance...which has led to her to be more cautious about new people and wary of cameras, the ultimate unblinking eye of cuteness collection. And this is a very chatty, social, and engaging kid we're talking about here, but the "you're so cute" conversation opener twists her up into a pretzel of self-consciousness that's so unlike her usual self."

So, with Bloom's suggestions I started to change the way I talk to little Kaurs.

This is what I've been trying out:

1. Introduce myself.

2. Ask her name.

3. Ask about school, books, sports, art, music, Sikh history, gurdwara, kirtan...

4. Then relate to her answer, "I LOVE soccer too!" or "I used to read Magic Tree House books too!" or "What's your favorite shabad to sing?"

5. Try to keep the conversation away from clothes, hair, or bodies.

As Bloom wrote, you can be "…one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling."

A father of a one year old daughter said, "I want my little girl to grow up to be comfortable with her body, regardless of the shape it takes over time. I want her to realize that her looks and “prettiness” do not define her as a person, and that being concerned with her character, intelligence, wisdom, relationships, and faith...will result in far greater dividends than focusing primarily on her looks."

If I was to meet Bibi Nanaki or Mai Bhago, I don't think I would say, "OMG I love your embroidered duputta! Where did you get it?" I would ask deeper questions and try to connect on a non-superficial level.

Our Kaurs of the past had much more to offer than their looks, so let's make sure our Kaurs of the future do too.

Photo by Gurumustuk Singh

Title: How to Talk to Little Kaurs
Subject: en Relationships; en Girls; en Kaur; en Kids; en Lakhpreet Kaur; en Communication; en Community; en Sisterhood; en Identity; See all items with this value Children--Religious aspects
Description: Lakhpreet Kaur offers a new approach to talking to little Kaurs.
Author: Lakhpreet Kaur
Date: 10/2/2014
Comments: Gurmeet Kaur on October 3, 2014 at 1:52 PM
Absolutely agreed!

Honey Kaur on October 4, 2014 at 1:28 AM
Here I would like to share my opinion..I have met many Kaur who just started their journey in the path of 'Kaurs'..
And it is a strange experience most of them ask about outer personality of Kaur not about inner.This is really a good article which tells us that teach lil Kaurs about inner beauty...

Rupa Caur on October 5, 2014 at 5:51 AM
I think we have a serious problem when the bulk of "womens activists" lose steam once they get married. Kaurista being a great example. So many smart, independently successful Sikh women can only seem to find happiness in being able to char their relationship to men. And don't forget that 80% of the American Sikh organizations work is about turban-wearing Sikh men. OOPS! That will take some sorting out before we can move forward.

Anoopa Kaur on October 7, 2014 at 10:52 AM
Yes, this is completely true. What’s more, naturally as humans at all ages, we look up to and respect other humans that appear to embody more of what we perceive to be power. It is almost as if humans are within a never ending cycle of a food chain that requires us to possess a desire to want to achieve some sort of status within society. The core subject areas of money and physical beauty, I feel create segregation within these food chain groups and at such a young age it remains vital to mould children into the path of truthful living. If a child were to develop into their later years by being liked by society due to their appearance, they would become a product of the false environment by trying to make money through careers such as modeling. This may generate opportunity for children to sin as they will focus their attention on spending their money on perhaps surgery to sustain what they have relied on their whole life, yet physical beauty is temporary and quickly outlived. Furthermore, it will also direct them to non Sikh atmospheres where they will meet souls who do not practice spiritual dharma and rely on intoxicating substances for support of feeling content. This is the power within the ripple effect that starts from childhood.
All children are subjected to learning from the source that God has required them to learn from but how would we find the supreme enlightener in life? As humans we rely on different sources to show us the way; teachers, parents, media and people who we think are friends. However the highest intellect and most supreme status is obtained from Guru and by attending to the saadh sangat to pray together. The merits of humility, compassion, contentment and truth are treasures given to the Gursikhs who surrender at the feet of the Guru. Perhaps one is gifted with them due to previous good Karma but by sharing spiritual experiences with children, they may gain a sense of higher awareness and what righteous living really is. The true power lies within enlightenment of spiritual wisdom. Through the connections made to other gursikhs via youtube, facebook, Gurdwara attendance and so on, we will continue to gain awareness to what we feel is the right choice to make. Ultimately the 100% truth is written in Sri Guru Granth sahib Ji, it is just a matter of following the rehat and your own heart. The light of God in within your heart and if you continue to follow the intuitive beat, you will most certainly flow in the right direction.
Guru has told us to become the dust of all yet people through the time era of Kaljug, are running wild, and chasing Maya. I see that every day, us Sikhs move away from our spiritual core. We Sikhs are not willing to fight our minds and to rid ourselves of ego in order to activate our destinies. Instead we feel that we have achieved perhaps a sense of achievement for what we were already destined to receive. It is the spiritual wealth that Sikhs are sacrificing for the sake of money that is needed only for charity and essential living. There is always a desire to move into the next realm but how is one to know if their actions are carried out in vein or in devotion to our Guru? We may have heard in school that to earn money and to possess the ambition to achieve a career that is rewarding with lots of money is the way forward to happiness and success yet in not appreciating what we already have and comparing ourselves to other people’s paths , both ego and room for what we feel is failure is created and we will forget the message of equality within life. If opportunities and careers open up to children, they should always remember God and see it as an opportunity to carry out service to humanity. God's light is within all and the true gift of comparison within the food chain is the realization that you have been born into the human form. The Jewel of human life will enable all God’s children to experience God; his pen is forever flowing and through realizing your true existence in life you may end the cycle of karma.
Also, Guru has taught us to make an honest lifestyle of to carry out a lifestyle of truthful living. So what does that mean? I feel that one ought to turn away from the world and to share their earnings with the world. So to be within the world, you are offered opportunity to provide a better essential living to the needy and to plant the seed of good deeds, however it is very easy for the mind to sway into the world of Maya. By attaching yourself to the naam and meditating to waheguru, your actions will never go in vein because you are taking the vows to walk upon the game of love as a gursikh and everything is in devotion to God.
To continuously positively reinforce children upon their physical appearances will generate unsteadiness within their minds, however I feel it is important to talk to children within spiritual classes about these topics because later on in their life they will face the pressures on a continuous basis and the knowledge will shield them. Additionally, if you genuinely communicate with simple language to children, their minds will absorb every word and the soul will also understand. It is just about the level of concentration that the children have and by using various activity techniques such as deep breathing, mind mapping, group Simran/ kirtan, yoga and healthy eating, children will be more perceptive. I’m an individual who cannot comprehend the meaning of spoken Punjabi however when I attended to a Punjabi katha, the sound current absorbed into my mind it was automatically translated into English without ever having learnt Punjabi. Perhaps this was Guru’s gift to me for making effort within my Gursikh lifestyle, yet the point is that the higher divine force will enable all to receive some sort of gift.

Ravkiran Kaur on November 7, 2014 at 11:00 PM
Yes! I completely agree :)

Item sets: Children